I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Randomize
