I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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