sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
