I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
