this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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