no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
