I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
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