You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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