I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It's rum buckets o'clock
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
