sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
