Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
