your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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