my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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