You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
