One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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