Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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