I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
