i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
