Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
