my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
My feet surprised me
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
