The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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