ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
