I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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