apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
