im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
