Don't make out with my wife yet
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
