i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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