We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
