my phone needs a breathalizer
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
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