I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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