ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
