You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize