why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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