you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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