My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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