Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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