I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
