My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
