i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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