I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
