Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
