I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
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