How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
