I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
