do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
