Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Even my vagina gasped.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
i out mim tonsoeep
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