Will you blow on my dice?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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