He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
