Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
