You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
