so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
