I cannot find my penis.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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