im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
