I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
