This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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