I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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