o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
