a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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