so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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